7. Prozac dispenser.
8. Leg/floor waxer
9. I always thought a lighter would be a good addition. For the stoners out there who are always losing their lighter.
10. I want it to live for me, so I can just sink into an Ativan induced coma. Anything short of that is unacceptable for my lifestyle.
“Hello, you have reached Robert’s mobile phone. I will now be making all decisions for Robert, so please leave your request after the tone. I will call you back between the hours of noon and 1:30 on the second Tuesday of the month. Thank you!” BEEEP.
11. Remote control
For anything. Hamsters. Fried eggs. Remote control over even the gross physical elements around you. It works by amplifying brain-stem impulses into focused gravity wave transmissions. Download it now. Or else.
12. Juicer, thingie that records cops’ badge numbers, Radar detector, hot plate, price tag printer…
13.
1) Knows everything in the universe.
2) Grants you both omniscience and omnipotence.
3) Inexhaustible power supply.
4) Communicates directly with God.
5) Indestructible
6) Requires no actual physical device. Can be taught to anyone in six easy classes.
There you go. The ultimate “smartphone”.I think that just about covers all of the above. Someone start designing it.
14. Nail Clipper
15. Bar of Soap
16. Vaporizer
17. Dog poop locator, picker upper and disposer
18. Toaster
19. Cat Barf Search and Destroy